Accepting Vulnerability – Knowing when to ask for help

Accepting Vulnerability – Knowing when to ask for help

Every time  I think I have a grip on Vulnerability, I realise there is another layer out there – a space to open more, to soften more, to let go further, to open up the heart a little more. I still feel amazed at how and why I spent so many years fighting my vulnerability so hard. The ego does that to you – it forces you to pretend that you are tough, that you can handle it all and that we are superstars. The problem is most of us don’t know we are trying to be superstars until some much later point. We are so conditioned to bear it all and face it all – to be strong, to be tough that we assume that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We take immense effort to hide our frailty, as does everyone else around us. How often have you asked someone how they are – and the response is – you know what, I am not that great – I probably need some help, and an ear to talk to – can you be there for me?

I saw a movie the other day – Collateral Beauty – it touched my heart. It was about a couple dealing with the loss of their 6 year old child to an awful disease – one was trying to cope with it by getting help, talking about it while the other one was dealing with it by pretending it didn’t happen – or with rage at the happening of it, refusing to give in – to talk about the loss, and in the process completely losing it!

So what is Collateral Beauty? –

 It is the wisdom and expansion of heart that comes from going through excruciating pain and grief in life.

This article however, is not about glorifying pain and grief. Rather, it is about acknowledging and accepting that pain is a normal part of human life, and there will always be times, when we need help – but we need to know when we do!

A few years ago, I witnessed something that made me question everything – a good friend of mine, had tried to kill both herself and her one year old child – the child died, though she survived. I was shocked to hear about it – I had just met them a few months ago, and everything seemed fine. But the truth was she had been struggling – she had been divorced before, had been a single parent and then with her second marriage, things were not as rosy as she expected. I believe that the real blow came when she lost her job, something that gave her all her self-esteem and confidence. The various stress factors – two children to take care of, not having a steady income, between the two of them, unmet expectations of life, having had gone through a divorce, being a single parent for many years had got to her – yet I kept feeling – if only she had spoken to someone about it? Why didn’t she? Not even some friends? This incident struck me so hard that I almost wanted to become a counsellor so I could be there for people when they needed to talk. The problem is that me being a counsellor is not enough. People still have to make the choice to go see a counsellor and sometimes it is just too late, as it was in this case. We need to do more, we need to educate and empower people to know that it is ok to want and need support. We all do.

In my own very vulnerable life, I have been through lots of pain and grief – but if I knew what I know now, a lot of that could have been eliminated – trying to be strong is one part of it, but there is more –  I don’t even think I realised when I was in need of help. Vulnerability and self-love are intricately related. When you truly love yourself, you embrace your vulnerability.  When self-love is lacking, you spend lots of energy fighting your vulnerability and being in control.

So, in keeping with the theme of education before treatment, I would like to lay down some incidents in life when we are particularly vulnerable and should seek all the support that we can get. There is nothing weak about asking for help, in fact – that is real courage. The life situations below have either directly impacted me, or I have seen someone very close to me struggle with that life situation. There is no exact framework that we can ascribe to, but this is a general guideline.

1. Death of a loved one – The heartache of dealing with the death of someone you dearly loved, and who was a big part of your life cannot be stressed enough. This is the time to take off work for if you need to, seek comfort by spending time and talking to others who loved the person in the same way, because no one else would understand. Seek the help of a grief counsellor or your therapist.

2. Break up with a partner, you dearly love/ loved – This is right there with the death of a loved one, because it is the death of a part of you. Sometimes, you love someone and still must break up with them because relationships are hard work. Things don’t work out for one reason or another, but the love doesn’t just disappear – it’s just one of those things that you have no control over. So you need to grieve – grieve the loss of a friend, a lover, a husband, a wife, a partner. But even more than that, there is grief about the unfulfilled dream. The hopes and dreams with which you entered the relationship, and all that “could have been” which you had surrounding that relationship. I find that both these situations require us to go through the five or stages of grief as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying.

3. The break-up of a family unit – When you have children and you end up breaking up with your spouse, there is so much more to handle than just the relationship with the spouse. There is the guilt one feels about the children, along with the grief as defined in 2. Bearing the responsibility of the emotional well-being of children when you yourself are not really emotionally well is extremely hard for the human soul. If you are going through this, know that you will need help – ask your parents, family members, siblings to help take care of some things for you. Depend on them for help and if they are not available get help that you can get. Get a coach, a therapist, a counsellor for yourself too.

4. Losing a job – This is probably the hardest one for the self-esteem of a person. We are so conditioned to believing that our worth is as much as our position in life, i.e. our work that when we are faced with this situation it, it can lead us to a real sense of loss. While this is hard for all, I believe the conditioning for the men to have to be working is so much stronger that they can have an even more difficult time dealing with this. If you are facing a job loss, know that it is not about your worth. That you have what it takes, and you will find another job when you are ready. Seek support of job loss groups or your family and friends. Imagine that your time looking for another job is the time for you to discover your true self, and spend some time doing the things that you love, so you can be ready for the next one to come forth. It is also a good time to consider hiring a Coach, and use your time appropriately to build your self-worth and confidence for your next job.

5. Single Parenting – While a lot of information is out there on dealing with divorce and death, nothing can quite prepare us for the challenges of being a single parent. Parenthood is hard even in a loving family, where both partners support each other – but single parenting is a whole other level. It is not just about the absence of the physical presence of a father or a mother, but also the lack of emotional support – the knowing that there is someone else bearing the responsibility of the children. If you are a single parent, again seek all the support you can get – move close to family so that they can share some of your burden, and get help – be it house help, friends who help with your kids or any way that suits you.

6. Childbirth – Nothing can prepare you for motherhood. When a woman goes through a pregnancy and childbirth, something essentially changes in her – and this is true with every childbirth she goes through. She changes, physically, emotionally, spiritually – anyway you can call it. Every child is an extension of her soul in a way. While I am not taking away the importance of fatherhood, childbirth is a time, when a woman needs and should have all the support she can get. This is the time to call your mom, and tell her to be there for you. Alternatively, a sister or your best friend. The woman needs as much unconditional love and nurture as she gives to her child at the time. Don’t be in a rush to get back to work or a workout – be kind to yourself – body, mind, spirit.
7. Facing a life-threatening disease – Disease in a serious life threatening manner, be it your own, or of someone you really love, always hits you hardest, as often it shows up suddenly. Dealing with a disease that is life threatening and life altering is another one of those things that makes you question everything and can be emotionally debilitating. Again, get yourself the best medical care possible, and the greatest emotional support you can get – partner, family, friends – whatever it is that makes you just a little happier.

I am sure there are many other situations where we need help. We don’t have to do it alone, we don’t have to be strong – it is ok to ask for help, and most importantly – it is ok to cry J

I am a serial crier – I cry all the time, just like I used to when I was a child. My kids have seen me cry so often – that now they just go, Oh no – not again!

I want them to know that it is ok to cry, it is ok to not have all the answers all the time, and no matter how hard we try to control life, life cannot be controlled – and we only realise that in our moments of extreme grief and pain, when we come face to face with our essential vulnerability.

Being vulnerable is being beautiful. Express it, Embrace it and Love yourself even more for accepting your vulnerability.

Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash